Monday, March 16, 2015

Life.

This is a blog post that is a long time coming, as they say. Whoever "they" is.

This has been quite the year for me.

Just in case you don't know me, let me tell you a little bit about myself… I am a people pleaser. It's me.

I will do whatever it takes to make someone else like me. If I feel like someone is mad at me, it absolutely eats me up.

Even if I should not value that person's opinion of me, for some reason, I just want people to know who I am and what is on my heart.

Let me tell you, for me, this leads to much exhaustion, and even some heartache.

Without disclosing the full details of what happened in my life about a year ago, I will just tell you, I lost some friends. Some lifelong friends.

And this isn't just people I grew up with. These are people who were in my wedding. People who visited the hospital when we had our children. People who held my hand through the loss of my grandfather, and I held their hands through many trials in their own lives. People who taught me things that I still apply to life today. Some of my oldest and dearest companions.

People who knew (probably still know) me better than most of the general population.

Things were said.
Feelings were hurt.
And then, they were gone.

Just gone.

No "can we work through this?"
No "can we sit down and talk?"
No "can we try to figure this out?"

Gone.

I spent many sleepless nights trying to solve the problem on my own.

I penned a few emails (only one that I actually sent).

And finally, I came to the conclusion, that it just wasn't going to happen. At least not right now.

I needed to, as the old saying goes, "let go and let God."

And so I did.

I let go.

And God came through in a big way.

In the depths of sorrow at the loss of these dear, dear friends (really family members), God came through.

In the midst of pain and heartache, God came through.

As I tried to find my new "normal" without these people in my life, God really, really came through.

Fast-forward to now.

My heart still hurts.

I still am holding out hope for reconciliation some day.

But I can honestly look back at our memories through the years fondly.

I can think of these friends now, and feel a peace in my heart about the situation. I can see those moments through the past year, where God has used specific situations to give me hope for the future.

I have seen my ministry change, and I am serving joyfully again. I don't feel unsettled, unnerved, or angry. I have seen the Lord fill the hole in my heart left by these individuals.

If you would have told me a few years ago that these people wouldn't be a part of my life at this point in time, I never would have believed you.

But things change.
People change.

At the end of the day, the only One who is unchanging is God.

He is unchanging and He is here.

And I am thankful.

Thanks for reading,
Hannah

No comments:

Post a Comment